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Jan. 23rd, 2011 @ 05:14 pm Back on LiveJournal...
After a two year hiatus, because of Facebook, ha ha. 

Now that Facebook is quite messed up with all of the new changes, I am back to my old haunting ground.  Hopefully I will be able to make my new posts more interesting than the ones in the past, which were rather myopic and too personal.

I really do like the ability to be creative on LiveJournal, and make a journal with my own personal, individual touch, adding backgrounds and my favorite colors to make everything aesthetically pleasing. 

It's good to be back!  Now, if I can maybe get some of my friends from FB on here, that would be great!
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Jul. 26th, 2009 @ 08:09 pm Love Is Not Love Which Alters...



Love Is Not Love Which Alters...

William Shakespeare

Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments, love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove.

O no, it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wand'ring bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.

Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come,
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom:

If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

Sonnet #116.

 
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Smiles
Jul. 6th, 2009 @ 04:31 pm Beware!

This excerpt is from the book, The Jekyll and Hyde Syndrome, by Beverly Engel.  I just about fell out of my chair when I read it, because it is such an accurate description of all the things that I have been going through with Anthony!  Just read it and then read over my previous posts on our e-mail correspondence, and you will be amazed at the similarities!  I will post another excerpt on what the author recommends doing to change the abusive behavior, just in case Anthony is reading and would want to try to work on his problems.


The Jekyll and Hyde SYNDROME

By Beverly Engel

You may have reason to believe that you suffer from NPD, either from reading the information on narcissism in chapter 3 or because someone, possibly a partner, may have told you that you fit the description.  If this is true for you and you haven’t read chapter 3, I suggest you do so now.  The following questions will help:

1.            Do you feel that you are special or that you have special talents or gifts that others don’t possess?

2.            Do you feel entitled to special treatment or recognition?

3.            Do you secretly feel that you are better than most people (for example, smarter, more attractive, more talented?)

4.            Do you become easily bored with people when they talk about themselves?

5.            Do you tend to think that your feelings or opinions are more important than others?

6.            Does it hurt you deeply if your talents, accomplishments, or physical attributes are not recognized or appreciated?

7.            Do you feel deeply insulted if you are ignored or not acknowledged?

8.            Have you been accused of being overly self-focused or self-centered?

9.            Have you been accused of being conceited or egotistical?

10.          Do you often fly off the handle or become enraged at the slightest provocation, frequently without really knowing why?

11.          Do you lose respect for others when you discover that they are less intelligent, successful, powerful, or “together” emotionally than you had first thought?

12.          Do you have difficulty identifying or empathizing with others, especially with their pain?

13.          Do you find that you are often envious of what others have accomplished or accumulated?

14.          Do you tend to focus more on what you don’t have than on what you do?

15.          Do you frequently feel that your efforts and accomplishments are being ignored or minimized or that you are being passed over for special recognition, promotions, awards, and so on?

16.          Are you able to walk away from relationships fairly easily once someone has insulted you or hurt you?

17.          Is one of your major goals in life to become successful, famous, or wealthy, or to find “perfect” love?

18.          Do you feel like a failure or feel depressed because you haven’t reached your goal?

19.          Do you feel as if you don’t really need other people all that much, that you are fairly self-sufficient?

20.          Are most of your friendships based on a mutual interest or on the fact that you both have a strong desire to become successful, famous, or wealthy?

21.          Do your relationships tend to be short-lived?  Are you close to someone for a while but find that over time this person no longer serves a function in your life?

If you answered yes to up to five questions, you have strong narcissistic tendencies.  If you answered more than five questions with a yes, especially if they were questions 10 through 21, you may actually suffer from NPD.

How Narcissistic Personality Disorder Leads to Jekyll and Hyde or Abusive Behavior

If you suffer from NPD or have strong narcissistic tendencies, your behavior and attitude toward others are often experienced as abusive even though you may not intentionally try to hurt anyone.  In fact, those with NPD are often oblivious to others and to how their behavior affects people.  This doesn’t make your behavior and attitude any less hurtful or damaging, however, and often it is your careless disregard toward others that hurts the most.  The specific behaviors and attitudes manifested by a narcissistic individual that are most hurtful to others include:

·         Negating the feelings, the ideas, and the opinions of others

·         Sarcastic remarks and put-downs

·         A general attitude of arrogance and condescension toward others

·         A tendency to be dismissive of others, especially if one does not respect them

·         Being overly critical and judgmental of others

·         Unreasonable expectations – never being pleased

Although most of their abusive behavior is unconscious and unintentional, at times people suffering from NPD can be deliberately abusive.  Generally speaking, the impulse to emotionally abuse is set in motion either when the relationship becomes too symbiotic or when a partner is somehow found lacking.  Too much closeness terrifies the narcissists, so they criticize or impose control on their partners or children to keep them at bay.  By accusing her children of being too demanding or invasive, a narcissistic mother can keep them at a safe distance.  By asserting control and dominance over his wife, a narcissistic husband can keep her in a dependent or one down position.  Narcissists also work at keeping their partners off- balance so they can avoid having to make the emotional commitment that they so desperately fear.  The unspoken message is “I don’t love you,” but it remains indirect and hidden so that their partners won’t leave.  Neither can the partners feel safe and secure in the relationship.  They are always in a state of confusion, constantly asking themselves, “Does he (or she) love me or not?”

When people suffering from narcissism experience disappointment in their partners, this can also set abuse in motion.  Typical narcissistic individuals often become intensely attracted to people in a short amount of time and will tend to idealize their partners, viewing them as more beautiful, talented, popular, or giving than they actually are.  When this idealization wears off, people with NPD may become so disappointed that they lose any respect they once had for their partners.  This lack of respect is expressed through belittling, dismissive or sarcastic comments or put-downs, and a blatant lack of consideration.  They are deliberately trying to push their partners away since the partners no longer meet their standards.

When people suffering from narcissism are faced with the inevitable ending of a relationship, either because they are unable to ignore the fact that the relationship is a failure or they are interested in someone else, they will inevitably become abusive.  Unable to accept any responsibility for the failure of the relationship or for their attraction to someone else, they must make their partners responsible – in their own minds and in their partners’.

In some cases, it isn’t a question of the narcissistic individual becoming abusive but of his or her previously hidden abusive nature being revealed.  To justify his or her desire to end the relationship, the narcissistic person will force the partner to behave in unacceptable ways so that the partner can be invalidated.  In the situation where the narcissistic partner is attracted to someone else, he or she must turn the previous partner into a scapegoat and project everything bad onto the partner in order to idealize the new love object and establish a new relationship.


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Jun. 30th, 2009 @ 06:23 pm The Abusive Pattern, by Dr. Irene

Quick Relationship Profile: Verbal Abuse 26  Masking the Anger by Dr. Irene

The following characteristics are common in verbally abusive relationships:


In the beginning these relationships are wonderful - you think you finally met your dream person! But, the relationship deteriorates over time. The deterioration can occur over a few months or may take years.


This pattern is opposite from the progression in a "normal" relationship, where people start off slowly and grow to trust and love each other more over time.


Insecure or shy people are most vulnerable to abusive partners. Controlling people are often expert pursuers. They are very big on charm, compliments, gifts, etc. They make you feel as though you are the most special person in the world. During this stage, they really think you are the most special person in the world. They can't be with you enough, can't go out of their way for you enough...until you're hooked. Then the party starts.


There is a breach of boundaries on both sides. Neither the abusive controller nor the codependent victim has a clear sense of where one person begins and the other ends. Neither realizes they have this problem.


The relationship is an emotional roller roaster. There is little peace. Just when things seem to be going well, the angry person somehow manages to pick a fight.


The angry person usually doesn't take responsibility for creating the problem. Somehow, the partner is blamed, or is provoked to lose their temper.


When the angry person is bad, they are very, very bad. When they are good, they are very, very good. (They have to be - to make up for all their mis-behavior!)


The angry person pursues when you have pulled back emotionally or are fed up with them.


The angry person does not allow their partner to be angry with them. If you are angry at them, they get even angrier with you.


Many angry people and codependent people are addiction prone. Many evidence problems with drugs or alcohol, sex addiction, gambling, shopping, food, workaholism, etc.


The angry person is emotionally needy and may feel neglected or jealous when their partner spends time with close friends or family members, their stepchildren, even their own children.
 


Many angry people get angrier if their partner gets sick. Who will take care of them now?


Emotional trust and comeradie are lacking. The angry person does not know how to trust and the victim has no basis to trust.

 


The link to Dr. Irene's excellent website: http://www.drirene.com/index.asp

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Jun. 30th, 2009 @ 06:19 pm I Have Been Looking For This For A Long Time...
Finally, a book that explains the EVIL of abusers, that their intent is to actually drive their victims mad with all of the manipulative mind techniques that they know so well... gaslighting, projection, intimidation.  They twist and manipulate the truth in their own minds in order to always appear as though they are in the right... to protect their precious ego.  And then later on, they make YOU look like the crazy bad one in the relationship when they discuss you with others, and they are the innocents that had to put up with YOUR bad behavior, when they are the true mind torture experts.   The review below says it all.

Stalking the Soul (Paperback)

by Marie-France Hirigoyen (Author)


From Publishers Weekly

Claiming that emotionally abusive relationships are widespread in marriages, families and the workplace, French psychotherapist Hirigoyen illuminates the subtle, insidious relationship that "emotional abusers" and their "victims" evolve. While recognizing that the "clean violence" of an emotional abuser A who as a "natural manipulator" often attracts others with a dynamic, winning style A is hard to prove, she aims to enable those who are being abused to recognize what's going on and get help, and to alert her fellow therapists to the danger signs. 

Often, emotional abuse builds over a long period of time until it becomes so unbearable that victims lash out in frustration and anger, only to appear unstable and aggressive themselves. This, according to Hirigoyen, is the intent of many abusers:
to systematically "destabilize" and confuse their victims (with irrational, threatening behavior that preys on the victim's fears and self-doubts), to isolate and control them and ultimately to destroy their identity. These relentless "predators" are also incapable of compassion or empathy, always blame the victim and never see their actions as wrong.


Already a bestseller in France, this clearly written and compassionate book offers sensible advice (get support and leave the relationship if the abuse is personal; take legal action if it is professional), though it may not be easy to execute in every case. A smooth translation, combined with a foreword by Thomas Moore and a jacket blurb from Alice Miller, should help this book find a niche readership of thoughtful self-help readers and therapists. (Nov.)
Copyright 2000 Reed Business Information, Inc.

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Jun. 30th, 2009 @ 05:19 pm The Abusive Pattern, From Dr. Irene

Quick Relationship Profile: Verbal Abuse  Masking the Anger by Dr. Irene

The following characteristics are common in verbally abusive relationships:

In the beginning these relationships are wonderful - you think you finally met your dream person! But, the relationship deteriorates over time. The deterioration can occur over a few months or may take years.

This pattern is opposite from the progression in a "normal" relationship, where people start off slowly and grow to trust and love each other more over time.

Insecure or shy people are most vulnerable to abusive partners. Controlling people are often expert pursuers. They are very big on charm, compliments, gifts, etc. They make you feel as though you are the most special person in the world. During this stage, they really think you are the most special person in the world. They can't be with you enough, can't go out of their way for you enough...until you're hooked. Then the party starts.

There is a breach of boundaries on both sides. Neither the abusive controller nor the codependent victim has a clear sense of where one person begins and the other ends. Neither realizes they have this problem.

The relationship is an emotional roller roaster. There is little peace. Just when things seem to be going well, the angry person somehow manages to pick a fight.

The angry person usually doesn't take responsibility for creating the problem. Somehow, the partner is blamed, or is provoked to lose their temper.

When the angry person is bad, they are very, very bad. When they are good, they are very, very good. (They have to be - to make up for all their mis-behavior!)

The angry person pursues when you have pulled back emotionally or are fed up with them.

The angry person does not allow their partner to be angry with them. If you are angry at them, they get even angrier with you.

Many angry people and codependent people are addiction prone. Many evidence problems with drugs or alcohol, sex addiction, gambling, shopping, food, workaholism, etc.


The angry person is emotionally needy and may feel neglected or jealous when their partner spends time with close friends or family members, their stepchildren, even their own children.
 

Many angry people get angrier if their partner gets sick. Who will take care of them now?

Emotional trust and comeradie are lacking. The angry person does not know how to trust and the victim has no basis to trust.

 


The link to Dr. Irene's excellent website: http://www.drirene.com/index.asp
About this Entry
Jun. 30th, 2009 @ 04:22 pm I Have Been Looking For This For A Long Time...

Finally, a book that explains the EVIL of abusers, that their intent is to actually drive their victims mad with all of the manipulative mind techniques that they know so well... gaslighting, projection, intimidation.  They twist and manipulate the truth in their own minds in order to always appear as though they are in the right... to protect their precious ego.  And then later on, they make YOU look like the crazy bad one in the relationship when they discuss you with others, and they are the innocents that had to put up with YOUR bad behavior, when they are the true mind torture experts.   The review below says it all.

Stalking the Soul (Paperback)

by Marie-France Hirigoyen (Author)


From Publishers Weekly

Claiming that emotionally abusive relationships are widespread in marriages, families and the workplace, French psychotherapist Hirigoyen illuminates the subtle, insidious relationship that "emotional abusers" and their "victims" evolve. While recognizing that the "clean violence" of an emotional abuser A who as a "natural manipulator" often attracts others with a dynamic, winning style A is hard to prove, she aims to enable those who are being abused to recognize what's going on and get help, and to alert her fellow therapists to the danger signs. 

Often, emotional abuse builds over a long period of time until it becomes so unbearable that victims lash out in frustration and anger, only to appear unstable and aggressive themselves. This, according to Hirigoyen, is the intent of many abusers:
to systematically "destabilize" and confuse their victims (with irrational, threatening behavior that preys on the victim's fears and self-doubts), to isolate and control them and ultimately to destroy their identity. These relentless "predators" are also incapable of compassion or empathy, always blame the victim and never see their actions as wrong.


Already a bestseller in France, this clearly written and compassionate book offers sensible advice (get support and leave the relationship if the abuse is personal; take legal action if it is professional), though it may not be easy to execute in every case. A smooth translation, combined with a foreword by Thomas Moore and a jacket blurb from Alice Miller, should help this book find a niche readership of thoughtful self-help readers and therapists. (Nov.)
Copyright 2000 Reed Business Information, Inc.
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Feb. 11th, 2009 @ 12:31 pm MORALS AND IDEALS
In this world of casual carelessness its discouraging to try to keep our morals and standards and our ideals high;
we are ridiculed and laughed at by the smart sophisticate who proclaims in brittle banter that such things are out of date.
But no life is worth the living unless its built on truth and we lay our life’s foundation made of faith and love and praying
and remember that ideals are like stars up in the sky you can never really reach them hanging in the heavens high.
But like the mighty mariner who sailed the storm-tossed sea and used the stars to chart his course with skill and certainty,
you too can chart your course of life with high ideals and love;
for high ideals are like the stars that light the sky above
you cannot ever reach them but lift your heart up high
and your life will be as shinning as the stars in the sky.

Helen Steiner Rice
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clock
Feb. 10th, 2009 @ 02:29 pm Why Do People Choose to Remain Unhealthy?
Okay... I'm just trying to figure this out. I think it's because if you've never been healthy, you don't know what healthy feels like. Sort of like my saying that before I visited Providenciales, I had no idea how beautiful a place could be... how amazing the color of water could be, the color of the sky, the color of dirt, the heat, the fresh breeze that never stops, the feeling of vibrant life that emanates from the place.

Maybe it was just my happiness and the feeling of overwhelming, joyous freedom from all the cares in life, combined with the wild beauty that gave it special meaning to me.

I believe that the ultimate freedom is being healthy in every respect - mind, spirit, body. Having addictions,compulsions, and untrue beliefs are all shackles to a slavery that oppresses and kills the spirit, the life.

I want to be free.
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Sunset at Taylor Bay
Feb. 9th, 2009 @ 04:26 pm BLANK & JONES: Unknown Treasure (with Claudia Brucken)
I love this song.



Long were the days I've spent within these walls
and long were nights of aloneness.
How often have you sailed in my dreams
and now in my awakening?
Here I am - ready to go
into the seasonless world where we shall reap and love

In the stillness of the night I have walked in your streets
and my spirit has entered your heart.
And in your sleep your dreams were MY dreams
and your breath was upon my face.

Ohhh to know the pain of too much tenderness.

You are not trapped or tamed.
without a care and without grief. You shall be free..

Give up the fight and learn to surrender
all you've gotta do is...
Give up the fight and learn to surrender
You know there's nothing to it

Let this be the start of something - the start of something true
Don't wanna keep this heart imprisoned
let me fly away with you...
You don't always need a reason for all the things you do
when you've got something to believe in you know there's no turning back

Give up the fight and learn to surrender
all you've gotta do is...
Give up the fight and learn to surrender
You know there's nothing to it
...theres nothing to it....

Let there be no scales
to weigh your unknown treasure
It is when you give of yourself
that you truly give.

oh to know the pain of too much tenderness
You would touch with your fingers the naked body of your dreams

Give up the fight and learn to surrender
all you've gotta do is
Give up the fight and learn to surrender
all you've gotta do is
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